


Controlled Environment

by Dabethan



Series: Dirk and Kankri content for me and you [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Humanstuck, No rape is depicted it is just mentioned as a concept a few times, There is an ungodly amount of content warnings for this one, This ones got a lot of fucked up topics and the chars handle them unfortunately casually, but kankri would approve of me including all of them so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:06:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25219729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: Kankri has to go to a nightclub, and Dirk helps him out.Read the Author's Note before continuing.
Relationships: Dirk Strider & Kankri Vantas, Dirk Strider/Kankri Vantas
Series: Dirk and Kankri content for me and you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829449
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	Controlled Environment

**Author's Note:**

> Today's CONTENT WARNINGS of which there are VERY MANY:
> 
> A lot of Self Deprecation
> 
> Hyperbolic suicidal statements/thoughts
> 
> What is essentially a panic attack
> 
> Nightclubs, but surprisingly little drinking (someone does do shots at the end)
> 
> A lot of sex insecurity and insecurity of ones attractiveness
> 
> Internalized aphobia and virgin shaming
> 
> Rape culture, and the act of watching one's drink
> 
> Victim blaming with rape culture, associating looks with assault
> 
> Arguing about rape culture and associating looks with assault
> 
> Mention of negative sexual experiences
> 
> Mention of child grooming and implied hypersexuality
> 
> Ageism and age insecurity
> 
> Bathrooms and bodily functions
> 
> Sexual repression and experimentation
> 
> Unwanted non-sexual physical contact (Cronus)
> 
> Implied former (and possibly ongoing) sexual harassment
> 
> Age Gap (3 years, first fic was set in Dec. And this one is July)
> 
> Bad takes I don't condone
> 
> UOS stands for University of Skaia, and if that coincides with any real universities with that acronym then I apologise akshdk

"Dirk!"

You consider tossing a pebble at his window, and then chastise yourself for even considering that option. You could break the window, but then what is the point of even being out here instead of breaking into the dorm like everyone else?

"Dirk!!" You hiss again, nervously glancing around to ensure campus security can't hear you.

The window to his dorm opens, and your… friend pokes his head out, amusement shining through his annoying stoic facade. It occurs to you that he most likely styled his hair and threw on his shades before looking for you. You bite back an insult, guilty that you felt the need to make one in the first place. It's not Dirk's fault that he grew up in a society that enforces appearance over everything else.

"Hey Vantas, didn't expect to see you here at ten PM on a Sunday." He gives you a sharp grin. "How's it hangin'? You normally sit outside people's windows? This a thing for you, Romeo? Shakespeare fetish?"

"Dirk let me in!" You hiss, and you can just _tell_ that he rolls his eyes there, before disappearing.

You hear the click of the front door within seconds. You quickly jog inside, trying desperately not to brush against his chest while he holds open the door.

"You have my number, you know," he says as you follow him up the stairs to his room. "Just call me next time."

"I couldn't find a payphone," you mumble, and he heaves a heavy sigh as he unlocks his door. "You can express your emotions as you wish, but I dislike cellphones because of the data mining and surveillance issues they present. You know this."

"Yeah, I do. That's why you don't actually have to tell me about it." He flops onto his bed, and you… gingerly sit down on the one his roommate uses. You were thankfully correct in assuming English would be out for the night, based on the details of Dirk's schedule that you always remember because you like to know what is happening around you at all times.

You are aware that Dirk is the same when it comes to his friends, and by extension, you.

"What's goin' on? Why're you in my stuffy abode tonight, mister hates hook-ups."

"I doubt it would really be considered a hook-up, since we see each other so much," you respond, watching as he scribbles something down on a grid paper notepad. "I actually… are you doing anything tonight?"

He pauses, turning slowly to face you. "No, I'm not. What do you have in mind?"

You grimace, not sure how to explain this part. You don't like having to admit your inexperience in these things, especially when Dirk makes it clear that he is very experienced in everything nearly every time you talk to him, and he will almost certainly get the wrong impression about you. Like everyone else always does.

"Have you ever been to a gay nightclub?"

It took about 30 minutes for Dirk to get ready, despite that he was already dressed, and even then you found yourself desperately trying to keep your sweater on.

"It's seventy five degrees outside," he states, throwing some item of clothing you don't even bother to look at as it smacks you in the face. "It's bad enough seeing you wear that thing 24/7 anyway, you're gonna to look ridiculous in a sweaty half naked crowd."

"Sweaty, half naked crowd," you mumble, feeling queasy. You don't like being near people. They're uncomfortable, frequently rude, and they don't really respect your autonomy in your experience. "I don't want to draw attention to myself."

"That's what I'm _saying_ you _are_ going to stand out if you're dressed like a Tumblr eboy." He hands you a t-shirt, his brows knit together. "You can do it, Vantas. You can look sexy for one night only."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea for when I'm around Cronus. It could give him ideas, not that that is actually my fault but it is something I have to consider about my friend and his constant desperate need for attention," you say, taking the shirt anyway before you tentatively ask "do you have a bodysuit."

He stares at you for a moment, as if debating whether or not you're serious.

"No Kankri, I don't own a bodysuit. That you would like to wear, at least."

"Ok, fine." You stand up, and determidly walk towards your friend's closet. "But I am picking the outfit! I can pick my own clothes."

"Fair." He steps back, pulling out his phone while you deliberate, though you can tell that he's not watching the screen.

You have never been to a gay bar, personally. You don't drink, and you find the concept of a "nightclub" to be intimidating. Not actually scary, just. Awful. Like it's set up to spite you, specifically.

You have to wait in line, which is thankfully not as long as you had feared, but you still squirm uncomfortably. You had a bit of a shortcoming when picking out your clothes, and you regret your decision every single second of you standing here waiting to enter this hideous and unkept establishment.

Dirk is standing next to you, a foot apart, facing straight ahead with perfect (but far too rigid, he's going to have the _worst_ muscle pain when he gets older) posture, wearing what appears to be some sort of cowboy outfit-thing, which you do not understand and don't want to ask him about. It looks incredibly bad with his shades.

You keep trying not to look at him, but you don't have much other options besides pulling down the hem of your shirt and glancing behind you to make sure no one is staring at your legs.

You think Dirk may be staring at your legs.

You have complicated feelings about that.

You and Dirk have spent a lot of time together in the past few months, mostly taking similar classes, meeting for drinks of some kind, or "hanging out," which is just sitting on your bed and talking about anything that isn't feelings. You found that he is, frankly, just as great at avoiding feelings as you, and thus you don't have to worry about him asking about them. What a guy.

Unfortunately you've also noticed that he thinks you're attractive. You think Dirk Strider might have a crush on you, despite your best efforts.

It's very hard living with this knowledge. You're aware that you're attractive, that other people think sexual things about you (some of your friends truly enjoy telling you the sexual things they think about you, whether you ask them to or not), but it's different when it's someone who doesn't pry. Someone who also doesn't use Facebook, who wants to hear you talk to him about why you think he has autism, who wants to hear why you hate the porn industry, who doesn't make it a big deal that you're 27 and you've never gone to a nightclub before and instead just jumps at the opportunity to take you to one.

You notice, too, what Dirk thinks is attractive. You watch the miniscule behavior changes, changes he almost definitely doesn't know about. You spot patterns in his reactions when he sees a boy in a tank top, his roommate insisting on walking around shirtless, and you accidentally getting too close to him when he holds open the door of his dorm building for you.

You did want to pick out your own clothes, honestly. But you couldn't help feeling… accommodating whenever you could tell he liked something. He never said a word, and frankly he didn't need to. But you knew.

And anyway, you've never seen him wear a shirt this big or socks this tall, so he clearly owns these for some other reason.

Today that reason is you.

And it is working. He stands a foot apart, his fingers flexing constantly, biting the inside of his cheek, and you can tell that he's looking at you from behind his shades. Specifically, he's looking at your legs.

You picked an oversized t-shirt, very short shorts, and thigh high socks, because apparently you hate yourself. You hate yourself, and you were too caught up in the idea of being sexy in a controlled environment to remember that you were going to go outside and be sexy in an uncontrolled environment where Cronus Ampora will see you along with at least 50 other people who will be near you in an enclosed space.

And now you're cold and anxious.

You get to the front of the line, and the bouncer pays absolutely zero attention to you as they take your money and then stamp your hand. Dirk grabs said hand, and pulls you into a world of awful flashing lights and extremely loud music.

"When does he go on?" He shouts at you, and you try to shout something back, but find it hard to do anything in this noise. Someone jostles you from behind, and you nearly begin crying.

Dirk tries to grab you by the shoulders, probably to help, but you move farther away, not wanting him to help you. He's here for support, not protection. You stumble over to the bar, and he quickly follows, wide strides despite his short stance.

You start breathing to the count of four, think to yourself _you are in a new environment. New isn't bad, just different. Dirk is here to help you, and it is ok to ask that of him. It's for a few hours, and you can go home as soon as you feel like you can't be here anymore._ It's only slightly helping.

"Are you ordering anything?" Asks the bartender, and your friend shakes his head.

"Water," you reply shakily, and are surprised to see what appears to be pity on the bartender's face. That makes you more irrationally annoyed than you'd like.

"You wanna go home? It's ok if you wanna go home, this shit isn't for everyone." Dirk looks more worried than you'd ever seen him, and you dislike that even more. "It's late, you have work tomorrow, your friend will understand."

"I'm fine," you shout, snap really, and he frowns. "You don't need to baby me, I'm a grown adult."

"I'm offering you a way out." You grab your water, as Dirk scans the room. "Frankly, you look like shit right now. Your friend's a douchebag if he'd rather you be miserable here than safe at home."

You sip your water, feeling slightly lightheaded. "I am plenty safe in this environment. Yes, my status as a q***r and pretty man of color may result in me getting drugged and raped or some other kind of peril but I am not going to be alone and I trust that we will be able to mutually keep each other safe, as per community accountability."

Dirk groans, moving his glasses into his hair so he can rub his eyes. "Did you really just tell me you're prone to get assaulted because you're pretty? Kankri. That's literally rape culture."

"I am not saying that pretty privilege doesn't exist, but that doesn't mean that there aren't drawbacks," you inform him. "In this scenario my desirability is much higher, and I am obviously out of my element. It'd be much easier to accost me."

"But if we're talking about rape as a concept, attraction is mostly irrelevant. It's about power."

"It's a complicated subject," you yell, "I'm still likely to be drugged based on my race, identity, physical ability and stature, and inexperience with the clubbing scene."

He groans. "Why are we even arguing about this, this is so stupid!"

You glance at your watch: you've been here for ten minutes, and now it's almost midnight. You have no idea when Cronus performs.

"Hey when are the performances?" Dirk calls out to the bartender, who informs him that they begin at one in the morning, as per usual.

 _That's so late,_ you think, and Dirk turns to say something to you, but before he can a person you've never seen before slides up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

Dirk turns to look at them, and you stare down at your own drink, making absolute sure that it won't be drugged while Dirk isn't watching. _Pathetic,_ you think, _you have to be babysat at nearly thirty._

You can hear them compliment Dirk's strange cowboy ensemble, and ask if you're dating. Dirk lies, says that you are, and they ask if you would be willing to have a threesome.

"NO I WOULDN'T!" You shout, and the surrounding area stares at you, including Dirk, and you try desperately to keep yourself from crying. You unconsciously pull your shirt farther down your thighs.

"Kanny?!"

Your eyes go wide, and you hear the weird sex freak Dirk was conversing with hastily apologize and leave. "Kanny what are you doing here?" Says the voice you know too well, the voice you had tried to avoid by asking Dirk here in the first place. "I had no idea you would be here! What are you wearing? Where did you get those clothes? You look really cute. Where's your sweater?"

"Hi, I'm Dirk Strider," says Dirk Strider, and you see him hold out a hand to your friend, who shakes it.

"Porrim Maryam. I'm his sister, it's very nice to meet you, though I have some questions about how you could have made his acquaintance." You finally look up at your pseudo-sister, who is dressed in what is essentially a bra, glitter, and not much else. You decide that now is probably a good time for you to hop the bar, smash a bottle, and stab yourself to death.

You're pretty sure Dirk is staring at your sisters breasts through his shades. "We both go to UOS. I'm minoring in philosophy."

"Funny, he's never mentioned you," she says, her intense eyes staring at _you_ , not Dirk.

"Yeah, he's never mentioned you, either," he replies.

"I want to dance!" You announce, jumping up and grabbing Dirk by his sleeve. You hear Porrim confusedly state that you "hate dancing" as you drag him to the center of the sweaty mass of chattery ***holes.

"Ok, I don't actually know how to dance like, at all, but I get that you're apparently avoiding your sister." You throw your hands around his shoulders (yelling an apology for the unprompted physical contact), even though you are pretty sure this isn't that kind of song, but you need to do _something_ to make you both look unapproachable. He calmly wraps his arms around your waist. "Can we please talk about your sister? Literally why is your sister half naked and covered in tattoos? Is this the source of your issues? Kankri, tell me about your mother."

"I don't have one."

"Ok, well that might explain a lot, except I don't have a mom either and I'm not nearly as repressed as you."

"You were groomed by the internet, and your father is a very strange and somewhat absent parental figure! You know that!"

He responds, monotone. "My dad is a goddamn genius who did his best and I love him. How dare you."

You groan. "My issues are my own. Porrim just frustrates me lately; she treats me like a child."

"How the hell would that work? You're the most self advocating person I've ever met."

"It's hard! No one takes me seriously! Especially not her. She always dismisses the things I say, and inserts her own agenda in our conversations!"

"Ok, and are you saying stupid shit?"

You narrow your eyes. "No I am not."

You feel his chest shake as he chuckles. "Of course not, you've never said anything wrong in your life."

"That's right." You lean into his neck, the song finally transitioning into something slower.

You spend a pretty decent chunk of time on the dance floor, laughing as Dirk attempts increasingly silly dances, and every once in a while you catch your sister's inquisitive expression from the bar. To your horror, it seems Damara has also joined you all at this club, and they are having some animated discussion about something you want to know nothing about.

Eventually Dirk drags you to the bathroom, and you finally discover quiet.

It's not totally quiet, just muffled, but it's so much nicer in here than it was out there, even with another person in the stall next to you.

"You doing ok?" He calls to you.

"Yeah," you answer, sitting on the open toilet and refusing to actually pee, because for goodness' sake Dirk can hear that and that's disgusting.

Dirk on the other hand has no qualms with his own bodily functions in a public bathroom. "You can still leave, you know. It's better to have left before a breakdown rather than power through and have a traumatic experience."

"Please don't joke about traumatic experiences."

"I'm not?" He flushes, and you lean back, your head hitting the wall behind you, and you close your eyes.

"Kankri?"

"Hmm?"

"You ok in there?" Water turns on.

"I'm fine. I'm tired." You pause, trying to think of how to put your thoughts into words. "Dirk, is it… messed up that I'm a virgin?"

Water turns off. "Not really. It's what you're comfortable with."

"But it's… Dirk, I'm getting kind of old."

You hear him lean against the side of your stall. "Nah. It's not a race, it's just sex. It's your body."

A beat.

"I wish I hadn't lost my virginity."

Your eyes snap open. "What?"

"Ok, like, I love sex, but I wish I hadn't. Had it. When I did." He sighs. "You know, groomed by the internet."

You straighten up, unsure how to respond. Sex is a constant with Dirk; he loves to joke about it, you know he makes sex toys, and you've discussed experiences he's had before. It's uncomfortable to think that he could have had such a negative experience with something so entangled in his life.

"That's sort of how life works, you know. Not everything's going to work out. We all have regrets." You hear him shuffle. "There's nothing fucked up about being a virgin, Kankri. I respect you for that."

"That's a pretty serious regret," you whisper. "Life shouldn't work like that at all."

The music outside stops, and cheers errupt. You quickly stand, only to realize that you actually do need to pee. "Dirk! Time!"

"Almost one, actually."

"Ok, well, I have to- you know!!"

"Ok, Jesus." He laughs a little, but you hear footsteps and the door swinging behind him. You put your head in your hands, annoyed that you can't even say the word "pee" outloud.

Someone is talking on stage, and to your relief Dirk manages to get you to the front by being intimidating and surprisingly strong. You follow him closely, and wince when you realize Porrim and Damara have also managed to get to the front, and Damara is looking right at you.

Dirk is also looking right at Damara. He gives her a grin, and waves. She grins back, and flips him off. He smiles, huge and genuine.

"Kankri", he whispers to you, "you _have_ to tell me more about your other friends."

The host announces Cronus' name, and you immediately clap and cheer for him, even though you are literally the only one who does so. Porrim gives a half hearted snap.

He runs out quickly, wearing what appears to be a wedding dress, and tripping on his own train, before reaching the mic.

"Hey, wow! Hey folks! I'm Cronus, I'm uh, new on the scene, and I am going to play you some music!" He pulls out a guitar seemingly out of nowhere, and you almost swear when you realize it's his electric one, and he doesn't have an amp.

Cronus seems to think that acoustics are important, because everyone says they are, but also that electric guitars look really cool, so if he uses them both then he's a musical genius.

"So, when I was a teen, which feels like soooo long ago like wow, I was really into-"

"PLAY THE FUCKING SONG," shouts someone in the back, and Cronus immediately starts yelling over them, into the f***king mic.

"THIS ONE IS FOR MY BEST FRIEND KANKRI VANTAS, THE BABE WITH THE FATTEST ASS I KNOW!" Your incredibly terrible friend who you wish you had never met points straight at you, and everyone in the room stares at your not particularly big posterior.

Dirk casually slides up behind you, throwing his arms around your sides, and smiles up at Cronus. Cro looks taken aback for a moment, before strumming his guitar with a vengeance.

He decided to sing- yes, sing- an acoustic version of "Baby Got Back".

You close your eyes, wishing desperately that you were anywhere else, but Dirk begins to rock back and forth and it works. You're grounded. Your friend is being an embarrassment in a club full of people, but you are here to support him, and Dirk is here to support you. He literally has your back.

The song is over far too slowly, but then it's done, and everyone just sort of stares at Cro while he inflates his own ego, until the host practically drags him away. Within a few minutes, he's run out to the floor and dragging you and Dirk (by proxy, you grabbed his hand) over to the bar, Porrim and Damara following.

"How was it? Was it good? I think I did great!" He calls happily, grabbing your sister into a hug, and she laughs.

"You have improved significantly," your sister replies.

"I wanted to jump over the bar and stab myself with a broken bottle," Damara informs him, and he laughs. You don't think she's joking.

"Kankriii!" He hugs you, and you just sort of accept your fate, since he saw you touch Dirk earlier and he _did_ just go through something that is was no doubt very stressful. "Kankri, oh my god you made it! I can't believe you came, you're really here! And you're dressed AMAZINGLY, Porrim, babe you really outdid yourself!"

"I didn't have any part in this," she informs him, and he turns to look at Dirk for the first time.

You speak up. "I picked out my clothing, of course. I figured my usual outfit would be too hot for such an enclosed space."

"Very true," he replies absently. "Who's this douchebag?"

"Dirk Strider," says Dirk, extending a hand once again. "Douchebag extraordinaire."

Cro smiles at that, letting you go finally and shaking his hand, though he still keeps one hand snaked around your waist. You don't particularly like this development. "Thanks for coming tonight. At least, I assume you're here for Kankri, which also means me."

Dirk watches the hand on your waist. "Hey, I love helping out my friends. He said he needed to support his best friend, and that I should come hear said friend's excellent music."

Cro's eyes light up, letting go of your to clasp both of Dirk's hands. "You liked it? You really liked it?"

"It was like nothing I have ever experienced," Dirk claims, as Damara begins to down shots of whiskey behind him. Cronus beams.

"I still don't understand why you insist on playing your guitar that way," you inform him. "Your voice was very good, though."

He laughs and hugs you again, lingering a little longer, and you finally start squirming and pushing him away. Dirk is looking increasingly annoyed at your friend, his hands flexing. "I think we should better get home," you say, "I have work tomorrow."

"Oh cool, I'll walk you back!" Cro links his arm in yours, and you try to sneak out of it.

"Actually, Dirk lives a few blocks from my building, so he's going to walk me back." He frowns, so you continue. "You live on the other side of town, Cronus. Besides, I'll see you tomorrow at work."

"Yeah, I guess," he mumbles. Before he can make too much of a fuss, you grab Dirk and hastily make your way to the exit.

"Thank you for having us!" You call out to the bartender, who tilts their head in an amused expression.

"Oh, Kankri bye! I'll talk to you at work tomorrow," calls your sister, and you yell back something about potentially getting fired for encouraging loitering.

You make it about a block away, before Dirk makes an announcement.

"So," he begins. "Cronus sucks shit, huh?"

You sigh.

Your walk home feels impossibly like nothing. It's much chillier now that you've left, and you're very tired and jittery.

You stumble into your own dorm room, Dirk following behind you. In the dark, you hear him kick off his shoes, and collapse into your bed. You follow suit, but quickly change into sweatpants while he can't see. He squishes against the wall when you join him, careful of your space, his hands against his own chest.

"You should take off your binder," you remind him, and he sighs, getting up.

"Is that an invitation to stay? Because I can stay, but I'm not going to just drop my fucking panties on the floor and then leave them here for you to do whatever it is you'd do with them."

"I'd probably wash them," you say sleepily, and Dirk laughs. "My shirts are in the top drawer. I wear pretty big sizes, so they should fit."

"What about pants."

"Wear whatever for pants, as long as I'm wearing mine."

"I can sleep on the floor, you know," he tells you, and you hear the shuffling of your drawers.

"You're a guest. That's rude."

"And you're too delicate and pretty to sleep on the floor and give me the bed," he snorts, and you glare at the darkness.

"That's not true at all. I'm just tired after all that socialization. You know how hard it is for me."

"Yeah, I do." You feel him climb onto the bed with you, and you lean back into him, his strong arms automatically wrapping around you. You don't remember the last time you've shared a bed with someone, if you ever have at all.

"Dirk," you say, and he makes a soft _hmm_ noise.

"Thank you for joining me tonight." You pause. "...I really like you."

"I like you too," he replies, sounding much more collected than you at this point in the night. "Hey, Kankri."

"Yes?"

"I really liked your outfit."

"...Thank you."

**Author's Note:**

> This is, as far as I'm aware, all the fics I am making for this au. They are both left relatively open ended, though this one maybe less so.
> 
> Twitter: @phd_in_nakk


End file.
